Lucky Dorito

My 43rd birthday is right around the corner.

Turning 40 was a pivotal moment for me. Actually, I spent most of age 39 DREADING it! (Duh, now I see what a waste of time that was….it arrived anyway.) I really had moments of “this is the last year in my 30′s and I haven’t accomplished anything yet!”

My coworkers knew how much I dreaded the day that year, so in an effort to lighten the moment, they brought me BLACK balloons to be funny. And it was funny, in a sickening sort of way, so I hung them from the doorknob into my treatment room – of course, every patient saw them and asked about them.

It’s ironic now, when I look back on the day – because the most life-changing moments since then have occurred because of the words of a older patient. A profound “ah ha” moment for me. An epiphany of the best kind. I’m sure he had no idea how many times over the coming years I would recall what he said that day…

He said, “You know, turning 40 is NOTHING. I don’t feel like my life even got STARTED until after turning 40. As a matter of fact, my old cousin Dr. H (a local dentist whom had passed away a few years prior to this) used to say “Most people think they’re grown up in their 20′s – but most people don’t start to act like their grown up until their 30′s – but a Haynes’ (not really the last name), we don’t even begin life til our 40′s!’ And truer words were never spoken! Don’t you worry about the NUMBER, it doesn’t identify you any more than the brand of underwear you’ve got on. What counts is what’s in here (pointing to his heart) and what’s in here (pointing to his head).“

Over the coming months, those words came back to me over and over. I decided to change the way I was looking at my life – and to consider it a gift… a gift that I’m here, that I have my family, and the opportunity to continue to grow and learn and improve.

The following year, I saw this patient again, right around birthday time, turning 41. When I saw his name on the schedule that morning, I thought about it all day (our conversation last year) and decided to thank him for that and tell him the impact it had on me. When I did, would you believe I had another “ah ha” moment while talking to him?!

I spent the next few weeks thinking about it, tossing it around in my mind to see if there was some validity to it for me. Let me explain…

As the patient, Dave (not really his name…) came in, I greeted him and went through the usual small talk, “How are you, how was your Christmas, etc, etc.” I tried to gauge how receptive he’d be to me sharing a little tidbit with him – let me just say here, this gentleman is in his late 60′s, retired military man and has a bit of a “standoffish” air about him at first. Once we settle into conversation, all that seems to disappear. So initially, upon seeing him that day, I was a little hesitant to share. But then, I decided what the heck – and just flat out told him, “I have to tell you something. When you were here a year ago, we had a conversation that I’ve never forgotten and that truly changed my perspective on life. Do you mind if I tell you that?”

Dave said, “I did?” kind of with a puzzled look on his face… I went on to repeat the above words to him that he had said to me.

He smiled and said, “Yes, I do remember that.”

So I went on to explain the impact it had on me – how I changed my thought process about turning 40. I almost teared up at one point, because I’m not good at sharing that side of myself (especially with a virtual stranger!) So I finished with saying “Thank you for that – what was a simple statement on your behalf truly impacted me…”

He looked at me very seriously and said, “May I ask you something?” After I nodded consent, he went on to ask, very seriously “Are you happy? I mean, really happy in your life?”

Hmmm, ok I remember thinking, how do you answer that? Let’s see, all sorts of random crazy moments from my life flew through my mind in an instant but I answered, “Yes, for the most part.”

As he looked at me, I went on to say (totally unplanned and almost as if I heard someone else saying the words…) “Well, let me just say – I have those moments of melancholy-ness, like something is missing that I can’t quite put my finger on, maybe as much or more than I’ve ever had… does that make me unhappy? Everybody had those moments, right?”

Honestly, hearing the words exit my mouth startled me a little, because I was totally caught off guard and spoke without pretense at that moment. No filter, like usual. His face softened as he looked at me. He sort of reached out and patted my leg, in a grandfatherly gesture. He said, “You know, I feel compelled to tell you something. Would that be alright?” Of course, I wanted to hear this…

He said, “When I was young, a young man – I fell in love with a beautiful girl here in town. We were inseparable for a few years. But things happened, I joined the military and left here. I married someone else… but I always felt that way you describe, like something was missing. I love my wife, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a good life with her. We share a lifetime of memories, living away from here, being in the Navy for all those years, raising a family. But still…. there was something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. One day a few years ago, I ran into the girl – at Long John Silver’s, of all places. We sat down and had lunch together, we talked, we reminisced about the good old days, I told her about my wife and family and I learned about hers … and it changed something in my head or my heart. I walked away that day with a new found sense of peace – and I’ve never once had that feeling of “something missing” from my life since that day. I think it was what I needed to move on – to release the doubt and questions of “what if” “

As I listened, I couldn’t help but think about the validity of these words he was saying… we all need that sense of “closure” to move on, at times. He asked me if I felt that could be part of my problem…… I couldn’t answer that. I told him I’d think on it and let him know next time!

He chuckled and said, “Now don’t make me wait 6 months! I’m an old man, I may not be around to hear the story!!” We just laughed and I told him it may take me that long to work the story out – it took him well over 20 years to figure it out in his own life….!!

As I walked him out that day, I asked him, “Dave, tell me one thing – honestly. Did you go home and tell your wife about this chance lunch with an old flame and how it made you feel?”

He smiled and said, “Hell no. I may be old but I’m not STUPID!!”

I’ve had a few years to consider this conversation now. And every birthday, I find myself analyzing it over again.

If you have doubts about your life choices, how do you recognize the fact that you may have made a mistake? And if you have made a mistake… do you gut it out and stick because it’s the choice you made? Is there acceptance of the situation you’re in to the point that you can close off all other thoughts? On the deathbed, will you reflect on your life and be satisfied that you “did the right thing” or be filled with regret that you missed out? At what point do you decide THIS is my life, the one I’ve chosen and I’m sticking with it? And I don’t mean just personal choices – like who you married -but what about with your profession? If you have a nagging feeling that you could do better, be better in another area – when do you succumb to that and when do you decide to gut it out?

I understand better and better what Dave was saying to me that day. Maybe even more so in the past few months since my Dad’s life came to an end. Our lives can be over in a blink…. don’t waste it worrying over things you’ve left in your dust. Make peace with it and move on. I’m pleased to say that I believe all the doors to lost loves in my life are firmly closed … with maybe only a tinge of regret here and there. I love my husband with all that I have in me and I love our little family. God has been good to me. Very good.

And He continues to let me learn new lessons. And He sends teachers in all sorts of ways. Simply amazing.

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