Posted by Dory @ Lucky Dorito on Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
I can’t believe how unbelievably hard this is for me to share. I know I have to give these *secrets* up in order for me to move forward in this crazy journey called *life*. But…. it is hard. I think I’m struggling because… admitting these things is like admitting a weakness. I’m supposed to be more *together* than this! But… here goes anyway.
For some reason, the few moments of alone-ness in the shower are some of the worst parts of my day. Sounds bizarre, huh? In a busy house like mine, moments alone are rare. So the time I spend in the shower, utterly ALONE are usually the ONLY ones I get in a days time. And yet, I sometimes dread them when I have things on my mind…. because it’s a great *thinking spot*.
Yesterday I began telling you about the anxiety I was having before I went to Texas last week. It all sort of came to a head on the Sunday prior to my flight. I was in the shower and while doing the mindless tasks of washing my hair and shaving my legs, I starting thinking about the things I needed to get done prior to my trip.
*Get groceries so my family would have stuff to eat.
*Make sure the bills due while I’d be away were paid.
*Remember to leave the checkbook at home for Mr. Lucky.
Pack…. that got me thinking about what piece of luggage I’d take. Which made me think of checking in at the airport. Which made me think of the flight. (Don’t you love stream-of-consciousness thinking?)
And…. suddenly, without warning (still IN the stinkin shower, mind you) I felt all the things that occur with panic begin inside my body. My heart started racing, breathing increased and worst of all – I was HOT. I turned the water to a cooler temperature just as I burst into tears. I stood there and cried as I finished up, the whole time knowing how foolish I was being and yet, seemingly unable to stop.
After I’d gotten out, dried off and dressed, I leaned over the counter and was praying for the Lord to take all the irrational fear out of me, saying that I knew it was just anxiety that was causing me to react and asking the Lord to calm my spirit and thoughts – to take the fear and anxiety that gripped my mind away.
My husband walked in while I was bowed in prayer. He said, “Honey? What’s wrong?”
I finally gave in and told him of my stress over the trip. His initial response was, “If you feel that strongly about it – maybe you need to cancel it.”
I know he’s remembering that one time many years ago I was to set out on a 500 mile road trip and was overcome with emotion about it – sure that I shouldn’t be traveling that day. I ended up postponing until the next day and we heard on the news later that night that there had been a huge wreck on the interstate I should have been on. My intuition served me well that day.
I said, “No, it’s not like that. I’m just afraid I’ll start to panic and I will be all alone. Who will talk me off the ledge if I do? I won’t have Carla this time…. But what I do know – is that I feel sure that if I let worry and anxiety stop me this time – next time will be harder. I HAVE to do it.” Not to mention the fact that my sweet friend Shannon would have been devastated if I’d backed out on her.
Mr. Lucky said, “Well, maybe you need to be like Kevin Costner in that movie… remember the scene where he walks up to the mount and he says, *CLEAR THE MECHANISM* and all the sounds from the crowd and players just vanish …. and he’s left alone, just him and the batter.” He was talking about “For the Love of the Game” with Kevin Costner and Kelly Preston…. (this is about a 4.5 minute clip that shows that scene…. and also when he couldn’t clear the mechanism – and had to power through on his own.
That powering through on my own was the part that scared me.