Lucky Dorito

I’ll be wrapping up the bulk of this story with today’s post, I hope. If you’re just stopping by, I had to break this into a few posts because it was just entirely too much length to write at one time. (Both for me to write and you to read!) To catch up, read part one here and part two here. And then, rejoin the story below, already in progress.

By the time we’d gotten to church that Sunday morning, I was feeling more in control. I think that talking it over with Mr. Lucky had done the opposite of my expectations…. I’d worried that discussing it would give the whole anxiety problem some sort of power over me by voicing it, making it real. Instead, the exact opposite happened. I suddenly felt *lighter* and less worried after we’d talked about it. I arrived at church feeling almost pleasant… which is only odd because I’d been almost in a hysterical crying panic so shortly before.

As we stood to sing at the church, I began to sing the words projected on the screen in the front of our church and suddenly…. the words hit home. (To the point, I had to copy them down)

I had to stop and process that for a second. Just that morning, I had prayed that morning for the Lord to take away all the unreasonable anxiety away from my mind – and now…. I was singing the words “He healed my body, He healed my mind”.

Coincidence?

No…. I don’t think so.

I gripped the pew in front of me as my knees semi-buckled under me, in that moment of recognition. I literally felt as if at that moment, my anxieties were all bound up in a tight little package and flown away on the wings of a butterfly.

If I’ve ever doubted that the Lord is right here, present in my life – a moment like that takes it away. I spent the service feeling alternately awed that He orchestrated the perfect thing to happen for me (ME! imagine that!) or that I was beyond delusional. The more I listened to the message that morning, I felt sure that He had thrown me a bone. He’d led me right to the frame of mind I needed to be in.

Simply amazing.

Now, early on the following Wednesday morning as I made the hundred mile trip to the airport, my resolve wavered a wee bit. The busy city traffic stressed me, making me a little anxious and taking that feeling of calm serenity away from me. As two lanes of incoming traffic merged onto the interstate, I found myself traveling behind an old Mitsubishi truck with PVC pipe on the sides and oodles of tools in the bed. The owner was obviously a handyman of sorts, maybe even a plumber. The truck reminded me of my Dad – who sold and installed water purification systems for the past 30 years before his death last fall. Just as I was thinking of my dad, the song “I Can Only Imagine” began to play – which we played at his funeral.

Of course, I started to cry.

Here I am in 6 lanes of traffic, anxiety level creepy steadily upward and tears streaming down my face. Sheesh. What a freakin’ mess I was!

And…. you know what I did? I tried it……….  “Clear the Mechanism”, I said out loud to myself. And when I did, just the sheer act of HOW STUPID it was made me laugh.

And laughing made me feel better.

By the time I got to the airport, I’d pulled it back together. As I stood in line to check my one bag, I took half of an Ativan (prescribed by my doctor last year after the trip to Chicago. I’ve carried them around for months but only took them once before – when my Dad died – until this trip) I didn’t even feel like I needed it but decided it was better to be safe than sorry. I sat near the front of the plane, in an aisle seat and really didn’t have any problems. I pulled the piece of paper from my wallet with the song (above) written on it and sort of sang it in my head. I said about a gazillion prayers too, of course.

In no time, I was on the ground and hugging Shannon’s neck.

I did it.

I made it.

*Big sigh of relief*

After I made it there, the return trip was much easier. I hardly had a problem at all.

I doubt this is the last of anxiety issues for me. As a matter of fact, it really might only be scratching the surface so far. But, I feel a lot like Guinie mentioned in her comment – I’m sure the Lord is using it to teach me something. What that is, I do not know yet.

I think I might have an idea though. In the meantime, after writing this out … I’m thinking all this leads me to question one thing: Why is it sooo hard to GIVE Him the reins, so He can be in control? I want Him to be in control. Or… I think I do. But then, moments after I turn it over to Him, I seem to be right back in the drivers seat. Whew. I wear myself out sometimes.

For now….. this being naked in public is giving me the heebie-jeebies! I gotta go get dressed now!

Trackback URI | Comments RSS