Low expectations
Posted by Dory @ Lucky Dorito on Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
In my line of work (dentistry) I often see the worst of people. They arrive stressed and nervous; just being in the building raises their blood pressure. They might be an otherwise nice and pleasant person but just the sheer act of walking in the door of our office – brings out their worst fears… and therefore, their worst behaviors. This is just something I’ve come to understand after 20 years in this profession. Rarely ever do I see a patient that I can’t manage to connect with on some level, regardless of their fear or anxiety.
Monday, we had a foster mom call about one of her foster childrens’ appointment on Tuesday. She wanted me to know in advance that the child in question was often very *combative* and *unreasonable*. She stressed that he was often unmanageable and if he acted up, she would totally understand if I was unable to treat him.
I had a full day to think about those words and really didn’t know what to expect when he arrived. I knew that I would treat him as I did any one else – despite the warnings. (But maybe with a little more awareness of getting a finger bitten off.)
From the front office, I could see him in the waiting room while his foster mom filled out the required paperwork. He was sitting in a chair, reading a book. He looked like any other child.
When I went out to get him, I stepped around the corner so that he would see me as I called his name. He heard his name, looked up from the book and as he saw me, he closed the book, hopped off the chair and returned the book to the basket and came towards me, without a moments hesitation.
The foster mom and I made eye contact over his head, as he came towards me. She sort of shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “We’ll see what happens!”
He climbed right up in my chair and proceeded to be a good patient. Seriously – he was as GOOD. AS. GOLD.
I mean it… the whole appointment. He asked questions, showing a lot of interest and intelligence. He opened his mouth when I asked him to, he closed when asked to and he never once tried to squirm away from me. He was an excellent patient!
He had a very wiggly front tooth, a baby tooth. When the doctor came in to do his exam, he asked the patient if he wanted it wiggled out. The patient said, “Sure, it bothers me. I can’t get it out.”
We painted a little topical anesthetic on it and pulled it out. He said, “Man, that kinda hurt!” But he never even flinched while it was happening.
When we were finished, I let him pick two prizes out of the prize box for being such a good patient.
When I took him out to the foster mom, she seemed genuinely surprised that he had acted so well behaved and even MORE surprised to see that we’d taken the baby tooth out!
I can’t quit thinking about him…. I expected him to be very ill-behaved because of the warnings I’d received prior to their arrival at the office. (I mean, let’s face it – some kids ARE ill-behaved because they are fearful of what’s going to happen.) He was way better than lots of other kids! Despite what I expected – I made a conscious choice to treat him exactly the same as any other six year old child.
So, I can’t help but wonder if he misbehaves so often at home because that is what they expect of him?
Filed in Kids,Randomness,Weirdness in my world | 14 dorito bits so far
Stacyon 17 Dec 2008 at 6:52 am 1I am constantly amazed at the way children behave in such different situations. I am so glad he was well behaved for you.
I think you are right in that some parents just expect their child to be bad so the child is bad. How sad.
Jenon 17 Dec 2008 at 7:08 am 2It probably goes without saying that whatever trauma he’s endured to have him wind up in foster care is what causes his behavior outbursts. Hard to say what might trigger an outburst… I am sure your calm, kind, motherly and matter-of-fact ways helped him get through it.
My heart literally aches for days when we have foster parents (or any other parent for that matter) bring a child to the ER for psych evaluations because they “can’t handle them” anymore at home. Something has happened to that child to make them that way.
I am glad the visit to your office was a positive one. And I hope that little guy is healing from whatever has gone on in his young life.
Guinieon 17 Dec 2008 at 8:53 am 3I think you may have hit on something. I’ve been constantly asked as our kids have grown up HOW we managed to get them to do all the things that they do…without us standing over them threatening to ground them, etc. (For example, washing dishes, doing laundry, doing their schoolwork while we’re at work.) The plain and simple of it was that we just EXPECTED them to do it. We would butt heads occasionally, but, for the most part, they did it because we expected them too. Period. As parents, we should always look for the positive and expect good. You deal with the bad and negative as it comes to you. Don’t wake up every morning expecting it. You’ll find it. There’s a quote by Abe Lincoln along those lines: “If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.”
)
Thotladyon 17 Dec 2008 at 10:05 am 4I think it is the same behavior that happens to a lot of children. They are more apt to misbehave for their parents, whether foster or not, than they are for strangers.
Part of that is the expectation of the caregiver (i.e. parent). I found this to be true when I was teaching also. Students behaved according to my expectations. Usually.
Beccaon 17 Dec 2008 at 2:36 pm 5I wonder if some foster parents just expect the foster children to be bad, when in fact it may not have been the children that are not bad? I think that they forget often that children are removed from situations because of the way the children are treated.
I am glad you had a good experience. Too bad she couldn’t be a fly on the proverbial wall. Sounds like she could use a little educating.
SCARECROWon 17 Dec 2008 at 3:13 pm 6We can’t blame the foster parent. What if the opposite happened where the parent didn’t warn you and the kid was a little turd? We would of complained as to why the forster parent didn’t warn you or what kind of parent they are. I give foster parents all the credit in the world, moreso than any other caregiver. They take on the issues of these kids w/o any iota of what they are getting themselves into. Not all, but most are truly selfless people that truly care about their charges. I’m sure that because of his histroy or her experiences with him, that she felt a warning was necessary.
Maybe pulling the tooth out was like Androcles & the lion, maybe the foster parent is having a positive influence on him, maybe he knew you were there to help, maybe you just caught him on a good day, or maybe it was your perfume and lowcut blouse.
Jeanon 17 Dec 2008 at 5:22 pm 7I totally, well almost…except that last line or two..hehe.. agree with Scarecrow. I think she warned you because he’s hard to predict. And, yes, kids tend to live up (or down) to what is said about them, and expected from them.. I’ve even blogged about that before… about the power of a parental blessing.. make sure what you are speaking over your children is what you want from them!
hugs,
Jean
Doryon 17 Dec 2008 at 6:32 pm 8I don’t know if I explained myself very well in the original post. I wasn’t blaming the foster parent or trying to pat myself on the back for getting him to be good. I was merely making an observation about his behavior.
I have seen in my own kids how they often tend to be better behaved for strangers than at home – I think that’s a given with ALL kids. So, his good behavior could have been nothing more than that.
But… something about the whole situation has continued to nag at me. Maybe it was because, when the foster mom initially called the office in warning about his combative behavior – there was a little part of me that automatically thought, “Oh GREAT! If he’s going to be like that – I don’t want to see him,” but I kept my mouth shut. (thank goodness) I thought about it several times prior to his arrival and I’m ashamed to admit – I had sort of written him off before I ever even laid eyes on him that he would probably not be someone I would connect with.
I’m glad those were just thoughts in my head and that I had decided to adopt a *wait and see* attitude about him or else – I would have missed out.
I think I learned more than he did in this situation.
Shannonon 17 Dec 2008 at 6:43 pm 9I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been warned about a student (by other teachers or parents), treated them as I do any other student in my classroom- and find them to be absolutely precious and wonderful in my classroom. I do think much of children’s behavior comes from the expectations we place on those students- they will live up or down to them. But I do think most kids tend to act better for others than they do even for their own parents (foster or otherwise)- especially someone new- because they have a new and fresh start with that person……….one with no history or baggage.
Rebekahon 17 Dec 2008 at 7:19 pm 10Ditto to Scarecrow and Shannon. My experience while Matt taught 7/8 English was one of observation. Matt was given all the “lower” kids (at this very moment I can’t remember the PC term-sorry). He never once taught “to their level” he taught them to the level he expected from them and they all gained confidence in his room and though I don’t believe state assessments say a lot on the whole I do have to brag that when his Remedial-ah there I remembered the PC term!- took state assessments they shined brighter than the sunshine!
I agree with Jen-it breaks my heart to see parents bringing kids in because they “just can’t care for them anymore.” The funny thing is they think we can fix it! WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
I think you did awesome Dory; being prepared is one thing being able to treat them they way you did while being prepared for an outburst is another. You do deserve a pat on the back, and so does the foster mom for having the wisdom to know her foster kiddo.
Anndawgon 17 Dec 2008 at 9:44 pm 11Are you talking about my kid?
Kellyon 18 Dec 2008 at 12:34 am 12I’m happy that it was a positive experience for you, the foster mom and the boy. Kids in his situation can be very unpredictable (anyone who disagrees can come work in my place for a day) and I think his behavior with you showed the mom and the boy how he is capable of acting. You did good
Kellyon 18 Dec 2008 at 12:35 am 13Hmmm, my little emoticon was supposed to wink at you…not look at you like it’s confused…lol. Here, have this instead:
White Hot Magikon 19 Dec 2008 at 3:51 pm 14It does raise two interesting points. Had you treated him like you expected him to act bad, would he have? The second is as the parent do you warn people when you know your child isn’t behaving well? I walk this line a lot with my youngest. Do I say something, not say something? I am aware of how my fears of bad behavior on his part influence him to act bad sometimes. I try to err on not saying much, I don’t want to label him. It is hard to not try and deflect though. Okay I am going to stop now I was thinking of writing a post about a very similar topic. I’ll save it for later… ; )