Lucky Dorito

Under the looking glass

Posted by Dory @ Lucky Dorito on Monday, March 23rd, 2009

I have struggled with whether or not to blog about this because it is probably the most personal issue I’ve faced. And the most personally embarrassing to me.

I recently blogged about some anxiety issues though and was left some wonderfully supportive comments. It is good to know I am not alone. So to come forward now to tell you that my problem runs deeper than anxiety is hard for me, but necessary.

I was beginning to think I was losing my mind. The anxiety that surrounded flying to Texas in February was only the beginning. Since then, I had begun to have numerous panic attacks – while at work, while at home, and the worst – driving home from a neighboring town a few weekends ago, so panicked that I honestly don’t know how I made it home.

That night truly scared me – not only was I a danger to myself, but also to everyone else on the highway that night.

It scared me enough that I made an appointment with the doctor.

The days between when I scheduled it and when I went to see her were filled with more and more stress, further confirming to me that I NEEDED to see her.

I think the hardest part for me was admitting that I was truly having a problem with my mental health. Was I going to sound crazy to her? I’m used to being in the role of healthcare provider – not the one needing care. She immediately helped to put my at ease by coming into the room and sitting in the chair beside me, not on the stool across the room.

And we just talked.

I told her all the things that were bothering me, through blubbering tears.

She explained to me that I was having pretty classic symptoms of a neurochemical imbalance in my brain. There isn’t a blood test to confirm if serotonin levels are off – it’s more a matter of trial and error with medications to see if it works for you. I’ve struggled for several years with Seasonal Affective Disorder – the grey winter skies truly bother me but I have chosen repeatedly to just weather it out without medications. (Maybe not the wisest choice, as it turns out) Couple that with my Dad dying this past fall and you’ve got one mentally messed up chica.

I’m 10 days into my medication. And feeling soooo much better. She made such a point to tell me that this does NOT mean I am defective. Or broken. Or weak….. all of which I feel. I know that is just being silly – no one expects me to be a Super Woman. But, I think on some level – I did expect that of myself.

Filed in Life, Me, Randomness | 13 dorito bits so far

13 Dorito Bits to “Under the looking glass”

Jenon 23 Mar 2009 at 6:20 am 1

No one should feel weak or broken because they need help. I think it is a sign of strength to admit it and do something about it! Glad you are feeling better!

P.S. I took a seritonin reuptake inhibitor for a couple of years, about 10 years ago when I was going through some tough stuff emotionally. Helped tremendously!
Shannonon 23 Mar 2009 at 6:43 am 2

I’m so proud of you for going to the doctor and for sharing this here. I agree with Jen- it absolutely is a sign of strength. I’ve been praying, praying, praying that you would feel better and I am so, so, so thankful you are feeling so much better. Woo hoo!
Guinevereon 23 Mar 2009 at 7:34 am 3

Oh, sooooo glad to hear you went to see someone who could help you! And sooooo glad to hear you are feeling much better! Just taking that step of going to a doctor shows you have courage. A weak person would not want to admit that.

Love you, girl!!! D
Susanon 23 Mar 2009 at 8:13 am 4

It definitely takes strength to get help for depression/anxiety/anything that makes you feel that their is something wrong with you mental well being. I also suffer from SAD and suffered with depression for YEARS before I took that step to get help and you already know that I take anxiety meds. The med I am on is an “old” med and used to be used for several disorders. It helps not only with the anxiety but the depression too. I’m also feeling better since I stopped taking the birth control pill. I had no idea that a bc pill could do that to me but once I switched to the shot I felt a thousand times better, no more depression! I wish I had known sooner because suffering for 8 years when I didn’t have to kind sucked. I am one messed up chickie but I have come to terms with that!
Beccaon 23 Mar 2009 at 9:29 am 5

You know that I have been keeping you in my prayers and hoping that this would work. You are not weak to ask for help. We all need it from time to time. And you are doing so much better! No one expects you to be Superwoman, just a loving wife and mom, which we all know that you are, and that starts with a healthy, happy YOU!
Kellyon 23 Mar 2009 at 9:49 am 6

Sometimes even superheroes need a sidekick.

You’re not the only one who has gone through something like this…believe me. So glad you’re feeling better!
Doryon 23 Mar 2009 at 10:37 am 7

@All – Thank you for your support. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.
Vonnieon 23 Mar 2009 at 11:03 am 8

You are so brave to post this Dory. I hope it helps others. It is a sign of your strength to step forward, get help, and post about it. Glad to hear you are feeling better. You have so many reasons at home and for yourself to get help to feel better. Take care and God bless.
megon 23 Mar 2009 at 1:02 pm 9

Yeah! I’m so glad you braved your fears & now are reaping the rewards.
Isn’t strange the way our own minds & egos try to sabotage us with all that “weak & broken” nonsense? Each of us functions differently, & needing medication to balance brain chemistry is no more defective then me for taking daily NSAIDs for my arthritis, or some of our other friends for needing insulin.
Stacyon 23 Mar 2009 at 5:15 pm 10

Oh I am so glad that you are taking care of yourself and your anxiety. For years I had to take anti-anxiety, anti-depressants. The only reason I am off of them now is that we have no health care and I can’t afford them (sad, but true). I cry a lot and think that this is part of the reason I am having trouble at work.

Take care of yourself, you are not weak at all.

Love you,
Stacy
jeankflon 23 Mar 2009 at 6:55 pm 11

I know all health providers have this problem. We think we’re not allowed to have problems or be “weak”.. It’s not weakness, it’s biology! I’ve been on antidepressants several times over the years.. Everyone’s right.. it’s actually stronger to admit it and get some help! I’m glad you “manned- up” (LOL) and got help and then blogged about it. You can see most of us have been there!! (or are there)
hugs,
Jean
thotladyon 24 Mar 2009 at 3:29 pm 12

I hate admitting to any weakness. Which of course causes more stress.

For most women, we feel the need to be all things to all people. Why is that?
annon 24 Mar 2009 at 10:52 pm 13

I have just been tossing around the idea of calling up my doctor to see if she would re-prescribe some depression meds for me… oh, you are so not alone in this struggle! It bothers me that ‘we’ as a society think it’s perfectly fine to take medication for diabetes or hypothyroidism or, in my case, reflux meds so I’m not puking every night, but heaven forbid we need some help with our heads, lol! It’s just as physical, but we still have trouble accepting that, don’t we? I mean, I am totally there – I keep telling myself I don’t need the drugs, I’m not that bad this time – even though I cry every day, sleep for 10 – 12 hours at a pop, and can’t even get my stinkin’ house clean – I’m thinkin’, that’s not ‘normal’! People like you blogging about your struggles will help all the rest of us…. hang in there.